And Emptiness is All That I Have Left

meI am usually an upbeat guy, which is surprisingly considering my current circumstances. But I am sensitive, and I can quickly flip into EMO mode and feel endless despair. The surprising thing is I am never suicidal despite how bad it gets sometimes being me.

I wrote this poem after midnight. Haven’t slept since yesterday morning now so it is maudlin, of course. But still worth the effort.

And Emptiness Is All That I Have Left

I still don’t know how it went all so wrong
the day was drawing to a close
and we were chatting happily, so much
enjoying our companionship. But then
the darkness came to mock our happiness
from whence it came, I do not even know
but suddenly the silences were more
as you were pondering to set the boundaries
and then, not knowing how, I was the bad guy
and even to be punished for my needs
and I could not believe you’d shut me out
and just hang up on me, no second chance
and emptiness was all that I had left

What kind of fool would make his life such pain?
why do I even try? And now despair
is all I have for company. I curse
the impulse to reach out, and then be slapped
to share a joy unwanted. Solitude
is not as painful as this sorry state;
my head is pounding and my stomach hurts
with no chance for forgiveness, I am damned
to long for someone who has shut me out
and emptiness is all that I have left

It seems my thoughts are not thoughts to be shared
so clumsily I walk this field of mines
and my emotions cannot pass my lips
for they’d embarrass you, make you feel trapped
so I am trapped, forbidden then to share
the growing feelings you’d not rather hear
and as I stew in silence, trapped, alone
and serve my endless sentence in the dark
futility sinks in the claws of pain
and emptiness is all that I have left

— MRK 12:44 AM, 2/25/2014 Crystal River, FL

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